heaven

I dreamed last night I died and went to heaven.

Some of you are saying to yourselves right now, “That’s the last place I thought Dick Clinch would end up.”

Ha, ha, that’s funny. I mean you could take what you just said two ways. Oh, never mind.

Anyway, God was a black woman. I wasn’t expecting that. As a matter of fact, God anticipated that I wouldn’t.

“Shit, motherfucker,” God said to me, “you were expecting some old cocksucker with white hair and a beard? No fuckin’ way. You can’t trust whitey and you can’t trust old men. I mean, if I was a man, they’d be some women get in who didn’t deserve to. I mean, they’d get down on their knees and worship and worship until God come in dey mouth.”

“Then they say to God, ‘they mo’ of dat fo’ you ifin you let me stay here. I’ll make it heaven for you every day.’”

“Fuck, if God was a man, he’d say ‘Sure as shit, whore. You can swallow me every day.’”

“And she’d pleasure God every day for a week or so, and then, when she was sure she was in, she’d start fuckin’ with God—and I don’t mean having intercourse. She’d start givin’ God a bunch of shit and tellin’ him that oral sex was nasty and she’d stop doin’ it. Hell, you know how womens is. Anyway, you’d have some whore running around up here who didn’t deserve to be here. Hell, who am I kiddin?’ You have scads of skanks runnin’ around here, holdin’ out on God.”

I couldn’t help myself and asked God why was it the Bible made it sound like a woman was responsible for original sin and that mankind would forever dwell in misery because of women.

“You believe that shit, motherfucker,” asked God? "If I had anything to do with it, they’d never have told the story that way. In defense of the dickhead that wrote it, though, it wouldn’t have worked the other way. I mean, if you had Adam pull the apple and try to put it in Eve’s mouth, she’d have never bit. You can’t talk a woman into anything unless you have something to trade. You’re a heterosexual male. You know that. Hell, this was back before money or luxury cars. What could Adam have offered Eve to get her to go along? Nothing, that’s what.”

“And, if the snake were to come along to try to talk Adam into doing it in the first place, that snake’d better have had a pussy with a ‘welcome’ sign on it or no gag reflex.”

I asked God what happened when someone on the religious right showed up here. I asked her how they reacted to her being female and black.

“Not many of ‘em show up here,” she told me. “We have another place for them. Entry into my kingdom is based on your good works down there. We don’t consider being the oppressors as being good work—especially when they do it in my name. Yeah, they go somewhere else and I always ask the satanic motherfucker who runs the place to give ‘em an extra poke or two and to turn up the heat a notch. Now, that’s one cocksucker who fuckin’ hates me, but he pokes ‘em anyway and has no problem uppin’ the heat.”

I told God I had tried to lead a good life, but there were a couple of things I wasn’t proud of and that I had missed quite a few Sundays going to church. I asked how I made it up there when some obvious dedicated churchgoers didn’t.

“Well, Dick Clinch,” said God, “you could have done a whole lot better, but you did hate Bush and Cheney, and that got you in. Because I hate them, too. The satanic son of a bitch that runs the other location hates my ass, but he owes me some favors. I’m gonna’ call ‘em in when I get those two situated down there. It’s good being God, because even the most important man in the world is just another dickhead I get to fuck with.”

I woke up at that point and realized it was all a dream. I hope that you have pleasant dreams in which Bush, Cheney and the religious right all burn in hell. And I mean that.

Or my name isn’t Dick Clinch.