gimme back my money
I need a lawyer. I need one that has the cojones of Alan Shore on Boston Legal. Okay, it doesn’t have to be a man, but I have found that if you need to kick the shit out of somebody, then a man is usually your best bet. If I can find the right woman, I would take her in a heartbeat. This would be a plum case for any lawyer and maybe they’ll beat a path to my door. There is just one catch: I can’t afford to pay them what it is going to cost. There, that’ll get rid of the ambulance chasers. The upside of this case for any lawyer is that you’ll be famous until the end of time. Maybe I should start at the beginning.
Dick Clinch owes a shitload of money.
“You cocksucker!” many of you are asking, “What the fuck did you do with all your money? You are supposed to be so tight with a buck and such a careful investor. ‘Always pay your bills on time; pay off your credit cards,’ you tell us. You always tell us not to mortgage ourselves to the hilt, and here you are owing money.”
To which I answer, that is a good point. Let me explain, and stop calling me a cocksucker.
Fuck no, I didn’t run up a bunch of bills! Give me a fucking break. I live within my means—meager as they are—but my problem is bigger than that and it’s your problem, too. The dickhead you elected president and the grafters you and your fellow countrymen elected to congress have taken it upon themselves to help themselves to our money. I guess they figure that “these people elected us; that means they want us to fuck them in the ass.” So they are taking our money and throwing it away on any- and everything that has a price tag on it.
Since Bush has been in office, the federal government has put over $27,000 worth of debt on its credit card for every man, woman and child. It’s estimated that every child born today has a debt of $156,000 in current deficit obligations and future entitlements—the moment he takes his first breath. I’m used to the government fucking with me, but their debt is going to have to be borne by our children. And when you start fucking with my kid, you’re “walking on my fighting side.”
It’s kind of like taking my ex-wife and setting her up on a big pile of money and telling her to be careful with it and manage it wisely. You come back in a little while and she’s sitting flat on the floor with this big fucking pile of expensive shit she doesn’t need piled up behind her. But let’s leave my ex out of this. I was just using that as an example of what can happen when you put irresponsible people in the position to spend your money. And brother (or sister), we’ve done it.
“Yeah,” you say, “But that’s the way it’s been since time began. The poor man and the average guy are always going to be expected to pull their pants down and bend over. It’s always been that way and it’s going to always be that way.”
Well, sir (or ma’am), I’m all for gay rights, but I don’t fuck no man in the ass and I don’t let no man fuck me in the ass. And, it’s time for this ass-fucking to stop. It’s time for us to form a “class,” engage a lawyer and get congress and the president to pay back the money they stole from us. That’s why we need somebody like Alan Shore. I need somebody to get me in touch with him—get him in touch with me. I’d like to see him get Bush on the stand.
“Mr. President,” he would ask, “Where did all that money go?”
“Mr. Shore, we had to spend it on a lot of important projects. You ever try to burn a country the size of Iraq to the ground? Takes money.”
Yes, sir. Yes, ma’am. We put these incompetents in office. We have the moral responsibility to get our kids’ money back. How do you do that? You sue the motherfuckers.
Are you with me, or are you against me?
Yeah, I was pretty sure you were. It’s time to kick some ass.
Or my name isn’t Dick Clinch.
Dick Clinch owes a shitload of money.
“You cocksucker!” many of you are asking, “What the fuck did you do with all your money? You are supposed to be so tight with a buck and such a careful investor. ‘Always pay your bills on time; pay off your credit cards,’ you tell us. You always tell us not to mortgage ourselves to the hilt, and here you are owing money.”
To which I answer, that is a good point. Let me explain, and stop calling me a cocksucker.
Fuck no, I didn’t run up a bunch of bills! Give me a fucking break. I live within my means—meager as they are—but my problem is bigger than that and it’s your problem, too. The dickhead you elected president and the grafters you and your fellow countrymen elected to congress have taken it upon themselves to help themselves to our money. I guess they figure that “these people elected us; that means they want us to fuck them in the ass.” So they are taking our money and throwing it away on any- and everything that has a price tag on it.
Since Bush has been in office, the federal government has put over $27,000 worth of debt on its credit card for every man, woman and child. It’s estimated that every child born today has a debt of $156,000 in current deficit obligations and future entitlements—the moment he takes his first breath. I’m used to the government fucking with me, but their debt is going to have to be borne by our children. And when you start fucking with my kid, you’re “walking on my fighting side.”
It’s kind of like taking my ex-wife and setting her up on a big pile of money and telling her to be careful with it and manage it wisely. You come back in a little while and she’s sitting flat on the floor with this big fucking pile of expensive shit she doesn’t need piled up behind her. But let’s leave my ex out of this. I was just using that as an example of what can happen when you put irresponsible people in the position to spend your money. And brother (or sister), we’ve done it.
“Yeah,” you say, “But that’s the way it’s been since time began. The poor man and the average guy are always going to be expected to pull their pants down and bend over. It’s always been that way and it’s going to always be that way.”
Well, sir (or ma’am), I’m all for gay rights, but I don’t fuck no man in the ass and I don’t let no man fuck me in the ass. And, it’s time for this ass-fucking to stop. It’s time for us to form a “class,” engage a lawyer and get congress and the president to pay back the money they stole from us. That’s why we need somebody like Alan Shore. I need somebody to get me in touch with him—get him in touch with me. I’d like to see him get Bush on the stand.
“Mr. President,” he would ask, “Where did all that money go?”
“Mr. Shore, we had to spend it on a lot of important projects. You ever try to burn a country the size of Iraq to the ground? Takes money.”
Yes, sir. Yes, ma’am. We put these incompetents in office. We have the moral responsibility to get our kids’ money back. How do you do that? You sue the motherfuckers.
Are you with me, or are you against me?
Yeah, I was pretty sure you were. It’s time to kick some ass.
Or my name isn’t Dick Clinch.
posted by dick clinch at 5:21 AM
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